But why?

It’s been just more than a week since Ding left us; a week and two days and a couple of hours actually. Since then I’ve talked to so many people about how I feel; about the overbearing sadness that comes with this loss. Interestingly, everyone I spoke to was right there with me. So why do we do it? If it hurts so damn much to lose a pet why do we have them and why do we keep getting them?

One of my issues is that I feel like if I’m not sad every second of every day then I’m no longer honoring Ding and all she means to me but is that really true? Would Ding want me to be sullen all the time? I don’t think so. I think she’d want me to live life even more knowing how bad loss feels shouldn’t I want to celebrate the life I have and the lives of the other two dogs? I know this is the right thing but I can’t stop myself from this feeling that I need to mourn her loss every single second of my day.

I worry that I’ll forget her. I do. I worry that I’ll forget the details of her and her life. Will I remember the little things a week from now? A month? A year? I don’t want to forget her; I don’t want to forget a single minute of her time with me but I can already feel those details slipping away.

Dammit. I don’t want to forget anything about her. I don’t want to forget that sometimes the “saddle” marking on her back looked like a heart if she curled up a certain way. I don’t want to forget the first night I brought her home back in April of 2001. I was single then and lived in my little tiny first house. I thought this adorable dog would be so thrilled to have free reign to be on any furniture she wanted because she was my girlie and could do what she wanted. I put her new doggy bed in my bedroom with me and patted the bed for her to jump up. She jumped up for a minute, let me pet her soft ears then jumped down and dragged her new dog bed out of the bedroom, through the kitchen, through the living room and planted herself next to the front door where she proceeded to hunker down for the night in protective mode.

I don’t want to forget when we moved to this house and she got out of the yard but didn’t cross the street because someone had taught her not to cross streets so she was wandering the neighborhood as long as there was no street-crossing going on. My husband (then boyfriend) was the one who left the gate open and he knew if he couldn’t get her back safely he’d do best to pack his stuff and skip town. Lucky for him he got her back safely.

I don’t want to forget all the years she started out the night on the dog bed in our bedroom and then once we were safe and sound she’d quietly make her way downstairs to keep her guard by the door.
All the times she contentedly would roll onto her back and spend hours and hours in that position. I think it was because she was so safe and happy and content with her life, I need to believe that. Sadly, after the stroke almost two years ago she was no longer able to roll over that way and snooze away the hours in her favorite position. She never complained though. Nope, not my Ding girlie.
How much have I already forgotten? Too much.

I dreamt about her Monday night. One week ago was the last night she spent on planet earth…one week later all I had was her in my dreams.

The dream was so beautiful, so HAPPY that I was sad to wake up. I was so damn disappointed when I woke up and realized it was just a dream.

In the dream I was going up to bed and Ding was on the stair landing, I was surprised to see her, especially on the stair landing because she couldn’t do stairs since she had that damn stroke so I knew in my dream that she was all better, she was whole again. I bent over and rubbed her super soft ears and she looked up at me. I told her that I loved her so much and she made her happy grunting sound (we used to call it her piggy grunts) and put her head back down. Then in the dream my husband came up to bed and I looked up to see him and Ding was on the dog bed in the bedroom just like old times, my husband looked at me and said, “Did you see her? She’s HERE isn’t she? Did you pet her? I did”. In the dream as I lay back down I was actually waking up for the day, I looked over to the dog bed but it was empty.

Was she here with us? I sure hope so. Maybe it was just her way of comforting us and saying “good-bye” and letting us know that she really IS okay, she IS whole again and not broken with cancer and neurological issues.

I don’t want to forget her, ever.

But I’m human, how do I make this happen?

How does my feeble human brain keep all those memories safe and alive when she isn’t anymore? I don’t know the answer but I hope I can figure it out. I’m open to suggestions folks.