Soul Sucking Pit of Hell

When I started blogging here I was ranting and raving about how much I didn’t belong in corporate America and sure as shit didn’t want to be there. I stated over and over how much I felt I had become soul-less because they had sucked all of the soul out of me.

That’s all well and good but now I feel like the teacher is telling me to show how I got that answer. Anyone remember 4^th grade math when you had to show the steps to get the answer? I realized that for my whining to be valid I needed to dig deeper than just mentioning the departure of said soul.

I didn’t even know this was required of me until I wrote about business casual. That made me see what was missing from me. I don’t mix things up, or rarely anyway. Something bought for work is worn for work…other stuff isn’t. Those four inch high heels of which I spoke with love and adoration…those will never see the inside of an office building but I love them, oh I do.

What else left me when my soul slipped away? Swearing. Cussing and swearing like the proverbial dockworker or sailor. Dirty talk. Potty mouth. Look, I love to do it. I like to curse loud and long or utter stuff under my breath.

The hallowed halls of the corporate world are robbing us of our American right to freedom of speech and freedom of expression. Many organizations make their employees sign “ethics agreements” that cover all sorts of things. Frankly it’s wrong. My American freedoms say that I can get drunk and dance on a bar as long as it doesn’t break any law but there’s every possibility that my corporate agreement doesn’t permit this behavior.

Teachers, athletes, medical professionals, and corporate geeks have been wedged into a mold that may not be appropriate. Here’s a news flash. If cheating isn’t illegal, then let’s not judge. It’s sad, yes but we aren’t living their lives. As far as other behavior goes. Look someone could be the best teacher in the world. Dedicated, hard-working, passionate about his/her subject matter and students and that same person may just have a little kink in them that enjoys anonymous internet sex. Guess what. If it ain’t illegal, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Seriously, back off folks. To get a tad biblical on you folks…he (she) who is without “sin” step up and toss the first stone.

Look if you have no personal quirks then I’m a little more concerned about you than the rest of the population. There’s nothing about YOU that might be considered “odd”; “unsavory”; a little “off” by someone else? Think about it.

I admit I haven’t been really following this whole “Tea Party” thing but it seems they want some kind of change and they want their rights back. Newsflash kids…it’s not the government we need to be worried about. I’m not worried about losing my rights to get healthcare…I AM worried about losing my right to dance on a bar in my bra. Yeah, I am. I don’t think I’ve ever done that (I have danced on bars but not in just my bra) but I certainly want to preserve the right to do that and not risk my job or career. I don’t want to be judged in a court of personal opinion that I otherwise couldn’t give a crap about.

I may not be allowed to use language deemed inappropriate at work but I absolutely will NOT be judged by the corporate machine for using it elsewhere. And by the way, if George Carlin were still alive he’d probably have to add a whole pile of new words to his “7 Words you Can’t Say on TV”. He’d probably have to add all those racist and nationalist terms that were long in common usage and are now too damn offensive to utter. My husband used to be referred to as “The Skinny Guinea”, that would now be offensive (and incorrect since, well, he has put on a few pounds).

What about people who are into porn, or swinging, or who knows what? That’s private but what if a corporate guru, or school board, or whomever found out? Is it their right to say that behavior is inappropriate for you to perform your job? Sweet LORD no it is NOT. Look, humans are weird and diverse critters. Far odder than any of our mammalian counterparts. We’re individuals. Please leave us alone. People should be able to go to work. Do their job. Go home and do whatever. Yes, the internet has certainly invaded our privacy and much of it is voluntary…but that doesn’t mean it gives any entity the right to judge.

If it isn’t illegal then it isn’t an issue.

People, people, get over it. Really. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Call me a cunt, a bitch, go ahead. I can take it. I really don’t care. Say it if ya mean it.

Okay. Soul-sucking points so far:

1. Business casual.

2. Your “ethics” may not be my ethics.

I can only guess this list will be growing. Feel free to add your own.

And for the record…shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

In These Shoes?

Ahhh, I feel new and fresh and clean now that I’ve come “out” about business casual. What I didn’t realize was that I put the “me-ness” on hold for something like the past ten years while I negotiated every clothing purchase to fit either biz casual OR “hey, I can walk the DOGS in this”. Umm, yeah that doesn’t work for me.

My buddy Geoff may dispute my use of “old” and that’s cool ‘cause he can do that but the fact is that sooner or later (probably SOONER) I’ll be too old to really “work it GIRLFRIEND”. That being said. I haven’t bought something that really made me swoon in a very long time.

Tonight I felt the need to walk that walk…and walk it in a totally inappropriate pair of shoes.

It’s Friday. I couldn’t resist hitting up a few stores on the way home. This little side excursion resulted in the hottest pair of shoes ever. HOT I TELL YOU HOT!!!! FLAMING HOT! I love them with unbridled passion.

They’re ivory and gray. They’re from the J-Lo label (I hate to admit that but at least they aren’t Jessica Simpson shoes). Oh they made me swoon. They’re soft and supple but tall and trashy.

They scream FUCK ME.. . as in “FUCK ME PUMPS”. Is this what I’ve been missing by adhering to business casual? Oh yeah.

I want to wear these shoes to take out the garbage. Yes I do.

Look. At my age, I’ve got limited time left to even PRETEND to think it’s okay to buy these so let me love while I can.

Ladies, dispense with business casual and go the distance. Buy that pair of shoes that make you swoon. Wear them to do the laundry. Oh my, this is bliss.

I actually have a pair of “spectator pumps” because of biz casual. Okay, I guess all chicks should end up with spectator pumps at some point but now that I have my J. Lo’s the spectator pumps seem pretty lame.

Let’s all re-think business casual. Let’s go for business inappropriate; I know I am.

The title of this blog post is a tribute to Kirsty Macoll, the best singer/songwriter ever and gone from this planet too soon. Listen to “In These Shoes” at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISzoUdtMSH4&feature=related. Kirsty, I miss you and your music every single day. Thanks for what you left us with.

What Not to Wear

Business casual is NOT a fashion statement. I HATE business casual! Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for it. Here’s the deal. If you are too fucking stupid to know how to dress appropriately for a given situation then maybe you shouldn’t BE in that situation…and that just might mean a JOB. Some people carry off a pair of jeans better than they will ever look in a pair rumpled pleated khakis.

I’m a jeans and tee-shirt type of gal. I am. Not in a sloppy way, not all the time anyway. I wore jeans, a tee shirt, a scarf and denim jacket to dinner on Saturday night. I thought I looked pretty nice. I don’t look good most days at work but damn it I am within the dress code policy. Where I work the dress code is basically anything but jeans and sneakers 4 out of 5 days of the week. That means I could put my sorry ass into an ill fitting pair of cargo pants and some rundown loafers and not get sent home from the office but if I slipped into a stylin’ pair of skinny jeans, a nice fitting silk tee, a scarf and jacket I’d be talked to by HR and sent home. Oh the horror.

I work with people who look like they raided the sale racks at a super discount store. One guy wears khakis and fleece pullovers every damn day and the fleece all have some slogan from his native land down under on them. He’s a manager. He does NOT look good but somehow he squeeks under the dress code police. More than a few other co-workers make their fashion statements by wearing rundown shoes paired with pilling polyester “suits”. Does this look good? TO ANYONE? No. No it does not look good but again. Technically, it satisfied the constraints of the corporate dress code and is stamped with a seal of approval.

BUY A MIRROR PEOPLE. Really, fork out that $20 at Home Depot and BUY A MIRROR, the long one that shows ALL the fashion mistakes in one sweeping image.

I’m on a crusade to not ever buy anymore business casual clothes. I don’t wear them except to work. I have a lot of clothes in my closet that are only there because I need something to wear to work 4 days a week (the fifth day being jeans and sneakers day). I don’t want to fritter away any more money on clothes that I just hate; that I feel icky in. Icky is the only way I can describe the way khakis or other biz casual stuff makes me feel.

I know it seemed like a good idea when the whole business casual thing started. Biz casual is certainly better than wearing suits to work, I’ll have to agree with that but the real issue is that it just isn’t necessary anymore. Steve Jobs seems comfy in his “uniform” of dark jeans (black I think) and a turtleneck and no one is gonna be offended to sit down in a meeting with Mr. Jobs if he isn’t wearing khakis.

If I’m doing the job why does anyone care what I’m wearing to do it? Oh I hate, hate, hate, HATE business casual. Please rally ‘round me and encourage me to make it to retirement with the same hideous crop of biz casual rags that are currently hanging in my closet. I can say that since I’ve started this project I feel that I’ve already started saving more money because despite the fact that I know I won’t wear something except for work I would still buy stuff. I’d still find myself buying some awful thing and saying, “oh, THIS might be nice”. Nice for WHAT? Tuesday? Nah. If I hate it anyway…then let me hate what I already own and look towards a jeans and tee-shirt retirement.

And you kids out there…as you enter the business world think focus on the work at hand not the fashion statement made by wearing business casual. We have a lot of clean up to do in the business world these days, let’s dispense with bad fashion and focus more on ethical business practices.

Cheater!

Oh so much to say. Really I haven’t blogged much lately because I have so damn much to say I don’t know where to start.

Let’s start with cheaters; specifically celebrity cheaters. Oh to get into the minds of celebrity cheaters. Clearly if you’re a celeb in the celeb-crazed USA the world is your oyster. That being said, yeah, maybe women will toss themselves at the feet of celebs. Yeah, I get that. I do. What I don’t get is the celebs that cheat. Yes, you can have them. But why get married or even couple up? Don’t do it. Just put yourself out there and have a good time. If Tiger Woods hadn’t married Elin and had been a happy-go-lucky playah then all those women wouldn’t have surprised anyone. Who cares if you sleep with anything that moves just don’t put forth a public image of a family man (or woman for that matter) and then have to be unraveled in the court of public opinion.

Jesse James, he’s another one. Hey he landed “America’s sweetheart”. Everyone collectively shook their heads at her but she talked about how grounded he made her feel and how very “real” their love and relationship was. Great, too bad he couldn’t manage to keep it in his pants.
Do the cheaters really think that no one will ever find out? Do they really want to be exposed? That can be the only answer in this 24 hour news and gossip climate. C’mon kids, are you that starved to be in the news that you’ll even cheat like an unstoppable sex machine just to get more coverage? Really folks, seek help, you’ll feel better in the end and we’ll be spared the gory details hitting us in the face on TMZ.com.

Why can’t you people just do whatever it is that you’re good at and if it happens to be sex then make porn. Tom Hanks, he’s a nice boring celeb. Ron Howard…BORING. You don’t hear about them doing much except being treated to the occasional boring photo of them leaving their local Trader Joe’s or Starbucks. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck…handsome and mercifully…BORING. Seems like the only thing they do is knock up the women they’re married to. SWEET!

The rest of you swashbuckling swordsman, get over yer bad selves. Grow the fuck up boys (and girls, I just can’t think of any offenders right now).

Mother’s Day Rant

As you may or may not know I am not a mom to any human offspring. Yes, I refer to myself as “mommy” to the three (count ‘em THREE) rescued canines that share our life and, hey, I adopted them and they ARE mammals, right? So “mommy” it is.

I do happen to have a few friends with human offspring (odd, I know). Here’s the thing that drives me completely batshit crazy.

Me: “Hey, wanna get together for lunch on Saturday?”
Friend/Mom of human offspring: “Let me check to see if (insert spousal unit’s name here) can watch the kids”.

See anything wrong with that statement? In these so-called enlightened times where it has recently been reported that more and more women are the primary breadwinner in an American household these same women still need to arrange for childcare with the father of their children. I’m not talking about someone’s baby daddy that doesn’t live with the family I’m talking partnered, MARRIED people.

To further support this situation there is currently a promotional ad running on New York TV for a lifestyle type of show and all of these women are making random statements like “all I wanted was for him to watch the kids for an hour so I could do the laundry”. HUH? She’s trying to wash his stinky drawers and he’s not willing to watch his own kids while she does it?

What is up with this situation? These are the same men that now proudly say dumbass things like “WE’RE PREGNANT!” No you’re not. SHE’S friggin’ pregnant. She’s the one who’s body is changing beyond belief (and often beyond repair); she’s the one who’s hormones are all over the map all you did was get it up and do the deed.

Men, step up! Don’t ASSUME that the kids are HER responsibility. She did her part when she squeezed the little bugger out. And please don’t make a big deal out of it like you deserve an award for watching YOUR OWN DAMN KID!

Women, TELL your darling spouse, “I’m doing, this, that, and the other thing on Saturday and won’t have the kids with me, either plan to care for them or make a plan for someone else to.” Really, time to stop putting your life on hold to raise the kids while he still gets to putter around on the weekends, play golf, go fishing or even mow the lawn. Guess what guys, somehow we’re supposed to clean house and do laundry and cook meals with those little critters hanging off of us so figure out how to get the kid to take a nap so you can hurry through the lawn mowing.

Oh this irritates me like you wouldn’t believe.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Radio, Radio

I was one of those kids that listened to my transistor radio to fall asleep at night. Yeah, I’m old. Yeah, it was the 60’s. Deal with it. I love music. In my late teens/early 20’s I was friends with the overnight deejay at the station I listened to. I wasn’t friends with him because I called the station all night (honest). I was friends with him because our paths intersected on more than a few social levels. I would fall asleep listening to his show. It was eclectic, it was free-form, it was the 70’s/80’s.

I realized sometime in my teens that I would wake up from a sound sleep if a song came on the radio that had some meaning for me. This wasn’t the random teeny-bopper tune, nope, it had to be a song that truly held meaning for me or an artist that I really loved. I thought it was silly and great and a little scary. At one point I was in a relationship with someone who’s music might occasionally end up on the radio and that person would often be away from home on tour. Sure ‘nuff if my overnight deejay pal played one of THOSE songs I would wake up pretty much each and every time.

Well, I’m not young anymore, this ain’t the 80’s anymore and my friend is now on in the middle of the day (because, well, he’s kinda old too). I don’t sleep with the radio on anymore, my significant other wouldn’t be too thrilled with that. We sleep with an air filter/white noise machine which is very nice and never plays anything that tickles my psyche in the night.

This afternoon I was enjoying a rainy afternoon doing grad school homework and relieved to have all of my housework out of the way for the weekend. The significant other was off at work for the day, I had the radio on as I read school work (stay tuned, topic for another post, why are school textbooks and tech manuals the best cure for insomnia?) and off I drifted into a lovely afternoon nap.

And then it happened. I felt myself waking up and that familiar feeling came back. Before I was fully awake I could hear the music. It was the music that woke me up. Not because it was loud or thumping or invasive (except psychically) but because it was a song that my psyche has an attachment to. I love that even now that same part of my brain engages in the same exact way as it did at 14 or 15 or 16.

I wonder if other people do this. What wakes you at night? Not the things that wake you in a cold sweat of fear or terror but the thing that lulls you awake; the think that in wakefulness brings you an incredible feeling of peace and solace. When I wake up because of these specific songs I always wake up happy and with a smile on my face. I’d love to pursue some kind of research on how this works, what part of my brain responds in this way? If I could find that out I’d want more and more and more of it. What a wonderful natural buzz to be lulled through life with the music you love.

Let there be music!

Sit down, SHUT UP!

I recently sat in two long days of endless meetings. I have been in one room for nine hours a day except for a very few bathroom breaks. I am beyond bored. I am beyond stir crazy. I am near tears.

Here’s something that I’ve learned from these two days in living hell; you’re all boring. It doesn’t matter whether someone loves to take center stage or they’re the person always demurring from doing a presentation, once they hit the floor armed with a flash drive packed full of useless powerpoint slides there is just NO shutting them up. Really every person should have to sit and watch themselves on video after they present (me included). They should have to watch themselves over and over again on a large screen TV to get the full impact of their performance.

My personal favorites are the people who preface their talk with how brief they will be and then proceed to ramble on for nearly an hour. My, my how time flies, no? Don’t these people have the internet yet? As you can see if you’re stopping by here, anyone can indulge themselves on the internet. I indulge my need to write and rant. If you want to take center stage and present slide after slide of useless nonsense then feel free to post yourself on YouTube or Facebook. It’s like that old joke, “if a tree falls in the woods does it make any noise?” You’ll just never know will you? Same thing with posting your moment in the glare of the conference room lights, you’ll never know (well maybe you will if you check hits to your post and read any comments) who is watching or listening or caring but at least you can get it out of your system without holding a conference room full of innocent victims hostage.

People who phone into radio shows sprang to mind as my hostage situation dragged on. Those people seem to really believe they’re adding to the lively show banter and they just aren’t. I love when Howard Stern just cuts them off and says, “I’m sorry, they were boring”; most of the time he’s right about that. I’m not necessarily a huge Howard fan but he certainly does have his shining moments and cutting off boring callers is high on that list.

One of my absolute favorite tricks is when the presenter reads each of their powerpoint slides. They’re presenting to a room full of college grads and there they are reading to us. Sweet. Look if you’re gonna read to me at least make it something good that I can’t read for myself. It’s a pretty safe bet that I can read slides projected onto giant screens around the room.

Try something new. Shake up the system. Distribute your powerpoint slides as a reference then speak about your subject naturally. If you KNOW what you’re talking about then you probably don’t need those damn slides anyway. And then for GOD’S SAKE SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!