It’s only Words…

Now that I’ve ranted about leaving my fucking words alone. I’d like to sing the praises of words. Well, the BeeGees actually HAVE sung the praises of Words (look it up, I don’t feel like it, I KNOW the damn song).

Words can be rather awesome. With words I can create something else. Novels are made up of words that were strung together with someone who had an idea. J.K. Rowling and J.R.R. Tolkien created whole other worlds that existed outside or in parallel with this one. Steven King creates worlds of terror with words.

When you read a novel anything can happen. A novel can be about anything at all with any outcome. Not the outcome that might happen in real life but ANY OUTCOME. A homely woman could walk away with the prince. The world could end. Everyone in need could be rescued, bad people punished, good people rewarded. Words can do all that. It’s called fiction.

Didja ever look at a real life situation and giggle secretly at how it would look if you could write it as fiction? Every interaction with your boss would end up in your favor. Every lottery ticket would be a winner. Every dog and cat would get rescued from a shelter. It’s nice.

Mindy Klasky, Alice Hoffman, Shanna Swendson and of course Jo Rowling all make magic with their words. Literally. They ‘ve created places where magic is real in their books because anything can happen with words.

Words are fun. We should read more words…there’s certainly no shortage of written words but who’s reading them? Get with it people. Go somewhere magical.

Soul Sucking Pit of Hell

When I started blogging here I was ranting and raving about how much I didn’t belong in corporate America and sure as shit didn’t want to be there. I stated over and over how much I felt I had become soul-less because they had sucked all of the soul out of me.

That’s all well and good but now I feel like the teacher is telling me to show how I got that answer. Anyone remember 4^th grade math when you had to show the steps to get the answer? I realized that for my whining to be valid I needed to dig deeper than just mentioning the departure of said soul.

I didn’t even know this was required of me until I wrote about business casual. That made me see what was missing from me. I don’t mix things up, or rarely anyway. Something bought for work is worn for work…other stuff isn’t. Those four inch high heels of which I spoke with love and adoration…those will never see the inside of an office building but I love them, oh I do.

What else left me when my soul slipped away? Swearing. Cussing and swearing like the proverbial dockworker or sailor. Dirty talk. Potty mouth. Look, I love to do it. I like to curse loud and long or utter stuff under my breath.

The hallowed halls of the corporate world are robbing us of our American right to freedom of speech and freedom of expression. Many organizations make their employees sign “ethics agreements” that cover all sorts of things. Frankly it’s wrong. My American freedoms say that I can get drunk and dance on a bar as long as it doesn’t break any law but there’s every possibility that my corporate agreement doesn’t permit this behavior.

Teachers, athletes, medical professionals, and corporate geeks have been wedged into a mold that may not be appropriate. Here’s a news flash. If cheating isn’t illegal, then let’s not judge. It’s sad, yes but we aren’t living their lives. As far as other behavior goes. Look someone could be the best teacher in the world. Dedicated, hard-working, passionate about his/her subject matter and students and that same person may just have a little kink in them that enjoys anonymous internet sex. Guess what. If it ain’t illegal, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Seriously, back off folks. To get a tad biblical on you folks…he (she) who is without “sin” step up and toss the first stone.

Look if you have no personal quirks then I’m a little more concerned about you than the rest of the population. There’s nothing about YOU that might be considered “odd”; “unsavory”; a little “off” by someone else? Think about it.

I admit I haven’t been really following this whole “Tea Party” thing but it seems they want some kind of change and they want their rights back. Newsflash kids…it’s not the government we need to be worried about. I’m not worried about losing my rights to get healthcare…I AM worried about losing my right to dance on a bar in my bra. Yeah, I am. I don’t think I’ve ever done that (I have danced on bars but not in just my bra) but I certainly want to preserve the right to do that and not risk my job or career. I don’t want to be judged in a court of personal opinion that I otherwise couldn’t give a crap about.

I may not be allowed to use language deemed inappropriate at work but I absolutely will NOT be judged by the corporate machine for using it elsewhere. And by the way, if George Carlin were still alive he’d probably have to add a whole pile of new words to his “7 Words you Can’t Say on TV”. He’d probably have to add all those racist and nationalist terms that were long in common usage and are now too damn offensive to utter. My husband used to be referred to as “The Skinny Guinea”, that would now be offensive (and incorrect since, well, he has put on a few pounds).

What about people who are into porn, or swinging, or who knows what? That’s private but what if a corporate guru, or school board, or whomever found out? Is it their right to say that behavior is inappropriate for you to perform your job? Sweet LORD no it is NOT. Look, humans are weird and diverse critters. Far odder than any of our mammalian counterparts. We’re individuals. Please leave us alone. People should be able to go to work. Do their job. Go home and do whatever. Yes, the internet has certainly invaded our privacy and much of it is voluntary…but that doesn’t mean it gives any entity the right to judge.

If it isn’t illegal then it isn’t an issue.

People, people, get over it. Really. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Call me a cunt, a bitch, go ahead. I can take it. I really don’t care. Say it if ya mean it.

Okay. Soul-sucking points so far:

1. Business casual.

2. Your “ethics” may not be my ethics.

I can only guess this list will be growing. Feel free to add your own.

And for the record…shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

In These Shoes?

Ahhh, I feel new and fresh and clean now that I’ve come “out” about business casual. What I didn’t realize was that I put the “me-ness” on hold for something like the past ten years while I negotiated every clothing purchase to fit either biz casual OR “hey, I can walk the DOGS in this”. Umm, yeah that doesn’t work for me.

My buddy Geoff may dispute my use of “old” and that’s cool ‘cause he can do that but the fact is that sooner or later (probably SOONER) I’ll be too old to really “work it GIRLFRIEND”. That being said. I haven’t bought something that really made me swoon in a very long time.

Tonight I felt the need to walk that walk…and walk it in a totally inappropriate pair of shoes.

It’s Friday. I couldn’t resist hitting up a few stores on the way home. This little side excursion resulted in the hottest pair of shoes ever. HOT I TELL YOU HOT!!!! FLAMING HOT! I love them with unbridled passion.

They’re ivory and gray. They’re from the J-Lo label (I hate to admit that but at least they aren’t Jessica Simpson shoes). Oh they made me swoon. They’re soft and supple but tall and trashy.

They scream FUCK ME.. . as in “FUCK ME PUMPS”. Is this what I’ve been missing by adhering to business casual? Oh yeah.

I want to wear these shoes to take out the garbage. Yes I do.

Look. At my age, I’ve got limited time left to even PRETEND to think it’s okay to buy these so let me love while I can.

Ladies, dispense with business casual and go the distance. Buy that pair of shoes that make you swoon. Wear them to do the laundry. Oh my, this is bliss.

I actually have a pair of “spectator pumps” because of biz casual. Okay, I guess all chicks should end up with spectator pumps at some point but now that I have my J. Lo’s the spectator pumps seem pretty lame.

Let’s all re-think business casual. Let’s go for business inappropriate; I know I am.

The title of this blog post is a tribute to Kirsty Macoll, the best singer/songwriter ever and gone from this planet too soon. Listen to “In These Shoes” at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISzoUdtMSH4&feature=related. Kirsty, I miss you and your music every single day. Thanks for what you left us with.

What Not to Wear

Business casual is NOT a fashion statement. I HATE business casual! Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for it. Here’s the deal. If you are too fucking stupid to know how to dress appropriately for a given situation then maybe you shouldn’t BE in that situation…and that just might mean a JOB. Some people carry off a pair of jeans better than they will ever look in a pair rumpled pleated khakis.

I’m a jeans and tee-shirt type of gal. I am. Not in a sloppy way, not all the time anyway. I wore jeans, a tee shirt, a scarf and denim jacket to dinner on Saturday night. I thought I looked pretty nice. I don’t look good most days at work but damn it I am within the dress code policy. Where I work the dress code is basically anything but jeans and sneakers 4 out of 5 days of the week. That means I could put my sorry ass into an ill fitting pair of cargo pants and some rundown loafers and not get sent home from the office but if I slipped into a stylin’ pair of skinny jeans, a nice fitting silk tee, a scarf and jacket I’d be talked to by HR and sent home. Oh the horror.

I work with people who look like they raided the sale racks at a super discount store. One guy wears khakis and fleece pullovers every damn day and the fleece all have some slogan from his native land down under on them. He’s a manager. He does NOT look good but somehow he squeeks under the dress code police. More than a few other co-workers make their fashion statements by wearing rundown shoes paired with pilling polyester “suits”. Does this look good? TO ANYONE? No. No it does not look good but again. Technically, it satisfied the constraints of the corporate dress code and is stamped with a seal of approval.

BUY A MIRROR PEOPLE. Really, fork out that $20 at Home Depot and BUY A MIRROR, the long one that shows ALL the fashion mistakes in one sweeping image.

I’m on a crusade to not ever buy anymore business casual clothes. I don’t wear them except to work. I have a lot of clothes in my closet that are only there because I need something to wear to work 4 days a week (the fifth day being jeans and sneakers day). I don’t want to fritter away any more money on clothes that I just hate; that I feel icky in. Icky is the only way I can describe the way khakis or other biz casual stuff makes me feel.

I know it seemed like a good idea when the whole business casual thing started. Biz casual is certainly better than wearing suits to work, I’ll have to agree with that but the real issue is that it just isn’t necessary anymore. Steve Jobs seems comfy in his “uniform” of dark jeans (black I think) and a turtleneck and no one is gonna be offended to sit down in a meeting with Mr. Jobs if he isn’t wearing khakis.

If I’m doing the job why does anyone care what I’m wearing to do it? Oh I hate, hate, hate, HATE business casual. Please rally ‘round me and encourage me to make it to retirement with the same hideous crop of biz casual rags that are currently hanging in my closet. I can say that since I’ve started this project I feel that I’ve already started saving more money because despite the fact that I know I won’t wear something except for work I would still buy stuff. I’d still find myself buying some awful thing and saying, “oh, THIS might be nice”. Nice for WHAT? Tuesday? Nah. If I hate it anyway…then let me hate what I already own and look towards a jeans and tee-shirt retirement.

And you kids out there…as you enter the business world think focus on the work at hand not the fashion statement made by wearing business casual. We have a lot of clean up to do in the business world these days, let’s dispense with bad fashion and focus more on ethical business practices.

Cheater!

Oh so much to say. Really I haven’t blogged much lately because I have so damn much to say I don’t know where to start.

Let’s start with cheaters; specifically celebrity cheaters. Oh to get into the minds of celebrity cheaters. Clearly if you’re a celeb in the celeb-crazed USA the world is your oyster. That being said, yeah, maybe women will toss themselves at the feet of celebs. Yeah, I get that. I do. What I don’t get is the celebs that cheat. Yes, you can have them. But why get married or even couple up? Don’t do it. Just put yourself out there and have a good time. If Tiger Woods hadn’t married Elin and had been a happy-go-lucky playah then all those women wouldn’t have surprised anyone. Who cares if you sleep with anything that moves just don’t put forth a public image of a family man (or woman for that matter) and then have to be unraveled in the court of public opinion.

Jesse James, he’s another one. Hey he landed “America’s sweetheart”. Everyone collectively shook their heads at her but she talked about how grounded he made her feel and how very “real” their love and relationship was. Great, too bad he couldn’t manage to keep it in his pants.
Do the cheaters really think that no one will ever find out? Do they really want to be exposed? That can be the only answer in this 24 hour news and gossip climate. C’mon kids, are you that starved to be in the news that you’ll even cheat like an unstoppable sex machine just to get more coverage? Really folks, seek help, you’ll feel better in the end and we’ll be spared the gory details hitting us in the face on TMZ.com.

Why can’t you people just do whatever it is that you’re good at and if it happens to be sex then make porn. Tom Hanks, he’s a nice boring celeb. Ron Howard…BORING. You don’t hear about them doing much except being treated to the occasional boring photo of them leaving their local Trader Joe’s or Starbucks. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck…handsome and mercifully…BORING. Seems like the only thing they do is knock up the women they’re married to. SWEET!

The rest of you swashbuckling swordsman, get over yer bad selves. Grow the fuck up boys (and girls, I just can’t think of any offenders right now).

Mother’s Day Rant

As you may or may not know I am not a mom to any human offspring. Yes, I refer to myself as “mommy” to the three (count ‘em THREE) rescued canines that share our life and, hey, I adopted them and they ARE mammals, right? So “mommy” it is.

I do happen to have a few friends with human offspring (odd, I know). Here’s the thing that drives me completely batshit crazy.

Me: “Hey, wanna get together for lunch on Saturday?”
Friend/Mom of human offspring: “Let me check to see if (insert spousal unit’s name here) can watch the kids”.

See anything wrong with that statement? In these so-called enlightened times where it has recently been reported that more and more women are the primary breadwinner in an American household these same women still need to arrange for childcare with the father of their children. I’m not talking about someone’s baby daddy that doesn’t live with the family I’m talking partnered, MARRIED people.

To further support this situation there is currently a promotional ad running on New York TV for a lifestyle type of show and all of these women are making random statements like “all I wanted was for him to watch the kids for an hour so I could do the laundry”. HUH? She’s trying to wash his stinky drawers and he’s not willing to watch his own kids while she does it?

What is up with this situation? These are the same men that now proudly say dumbass things like “WE’RE PREGNANT!” No you’re not. SHE’S friggin’ pregnant. She’s the one who’s body is changing beyond belief (and often beyond repair); she’s the one who’s hormones are all over the map all you did was get it up and do the deed.

Men, step up! Don’t ASSUME that the kids are HER responsibility. She did her part when she squeezed the little bugger out. And please don’t make a big deal out of it like you deserve an award for watching YOUR OWN DAMN KID!

Women, TELL your darling spouse, “I’m doing, this, that, and the other thing on Saturday and won’t have the kids with me, either plan to care for them or make a plan for someone else to.” Really, time to stop putting your life on hold to raise the kids while he still gets to putter around on the weekends, play golf, go fishing or even mow the lawn. Guess what guys, somehow we’re supposed to clean house and do laundry and cook meals with those little critters hanging off of us so figure out how to get the kid to take a nap so you can hurry through the lawn mowing.

Oh this irritates me like you wouldn’t believe.

Happy Mother’s Day!